Carsonmania,Spoofbooks
So you dream of wide-open living space but your budget barely covers a microscopic studio apartment? No worries. Get in on two trends at once with this fully furnished tiny great room!
In this hardworking space, everything does double or triple duty. For instance, those are no ordinary window drapes. Their heavy duty, waterproof lining conceals a vanity, sink and shower on the far right side and a toilet on the far left. The middle? That’s your walk-in closet. A small floor drain carries away most of the shower water; the remainder creates a lovely reflecting pool. AI-enabled surveillance for Skynet Those other-worldly hanging lights provide illumination, smart-home capabilities (“Alexa, find my chihuahua”) and expansion slots for AI surveillance devices when Skynet takes over the world. There’s a sleeper sofa, of course, but with a twist. The backrest flips up to reveal a wet bar with a large wine fridge and full selection of top-shelf liquor. There’s even room for a hired bartender when you host a large crowd of up to three people. The glass coffee table holds drinks and snacks. It’s also a launchpad for the cat en route to the glass dining table, where she snubs her organic human-grade fresh cat food in a red Sputnik bowl. Her litterbox resides in one of the kitchen cubbies on the far right. Cabinets beneath the TV provide sleeping and storage space for any children you might have. Quite the cozy kitchen The heart of the kitchenette is the range top; above it sits a combination range hood exhaust fan with book, photo and file storage. Sure, your vintage books, photo albums and important legal documents might get a little greasy when you turn on the fan while deep-frying a turkey – but that’s a small price to pay for such a clever storage hack. The dummy front of the oven conceals a pull-out Pilates reformer. After a workout, hang your sweaty Lululemon tights on the top bar and push the unit back into the wall. The remaining cabinets provide oodles of storage space for your briefcase, ironing board, bicycle, Christmas tree, groceries and hobby supplies. Everything you need for a fun and rewarding lifestyle! Call me today for a tour! Susie Sparkly, qualified real estate agent Craft beads, like snowflakes, are beautiful when they’re tiny and disorganized. But things get ugly when loose beads gather as a mob.
Why would a bead have it in for you? Well, duh! You’re driving a sharp wire through its guts! And even though the hole was already there, that’s still gotta hurt. Watch out for these warning signs. Then get out of their beadin' way. Initial passive-aggressive move: An entire tray “accidentally” falls to the floor. Beads roll to every room of your house, encouraging your curious dog, cat or gerbil to take a dangerous lick. Open rebellion: A bead refuses to let you push the wire in by holding its breath and swelling up (yes, beads can do that). When you try another bead, the same thing happens. The third bead gets stuck underneath your thumbnail. The fourth bead rolls across the tabletop and sticks to your coffee cup. And so on. Last-chance warning: You open the storage case and discover all the beads forming a pattern that reads Up Yours. Run for your life! For more on whatever craft you’ve always loved to hate, check out my Arts & Crap Spoofbook. Its 18 how-not-to’s include “The Deadly Art of Needlepoint,” “12 Telltale Signs You’ll Get Hooked on Scrapbooking” and “Knit One, Burn Two.” Lots of laughs for just 99 cents! It's all here: Arts & Crap Spoofbook Exalted yogis say there are no “bad” places to practice meditation – in fact, the longer you’ve practiced, the easier it is to block out distractions. Don’t believe it. Some places are just plain awful for meditation. Here are just a few. In the jaws of an extinct dinosaur. T-rex might not be fully functional, but there’s lots of leftover bad mojo in those bones, sending his hinged upper jaw crashing down on you. Near a meat rendering plant that processes animal by-products, including grease and bone meal. Not only is the stench distracting – it clings to your lululemon tights through a dozen washings. Inside a swarm of locusts. If you’re not wildly swatting them away, you die. Antarctica. The last thing you want to do here is slow your pulse. Human popsicle, anyone?
Tired of changing baby’s diapers every 7 minutes? Several organic methods can counteract the stench of a full load. You might only need to change diapers every couple of hours. Or every 20 minutes, if other diners at the restaurant start giving you dirty looks. Try the secret known to Native American mothers for generations: sphagnum moss, the inner layer on an infant trussed in a cradleboard. How else could Indian moms work all day with an un-changed baby on their back? If moss isn’t available, how about… Strongly scented wildflowers to the rescue! Hold them next to baby’s butt (which reduces odors on your perimeter) or near your nose (when you yourself need immediate relief and don’t give a you-know-what about everybody else). And if you’re really desperate… Natural suppositories come in handy. A strategically placed aloe-vera-gel plug, organic kelp stick, or soy wax ball can get you through that important client meeting while baby rests comfortably in the carrier. Just don’t tell your pediatrician. Photo courtesy of Martin Vorel, LibreShot.com Library used-book sale by the numbers: 20 minutes at the sale 10 dollars for two filled boxes 21 books I bought 1 book Hubby bought Details below: Dangerous books I never should have brought home, because Hubby and I have agreed that our last dog was our... last dog. For more on the animals all of us bring home, check out my Spoofbook "For Pets Sake." Book I bought for a crafty friend. My last sewing project ended with me spitting at the sewing machine. What a find! This is my brain on crafts. I laughed till I cried.
For 99 cents worth of my own particular craft aversion, see my Spoofbook "Arts & Crap." Ever feel your life is so crazy you could use an extra head? At Give Us This Day Our Daily Head, Inc., we’ve got the perfect solution.
Our exclusive Head of the Week Club provides a selection of heads for all occasions. Join now and get Happy Head absolutely free! Then, each week, you’ll receive another one of our state-of-the-art noggins: Angry Head, Astonished Head, Nauseated Head, Suspicious Head, Menacing Head and Victorious Head. Quantities are limited, so subscribe today! Heads subject to availability. We reserve the right to substitute other heads of equal or lesser value at our discretion. Each head billed in three installments of $99.95 plus $145 shipping and handling. Tipping “prompts” like the ones you see at fast-food checkouts haven’t yet reached most U.S. hospitals. But that doesn’t let you off the hook.
Medical professionals prefer a more discreet approach, like a small envelope slipped into their gloved hand. As with all tips, when in doubt, give more. You don’t want to be remembered as the cheapskate five-percenter when that same MD does your next colonoscopy ten years from now. Here’s a guide to appropriate amounts. Mammogram Basic service 20%. Deduct 10% for excruciating pressure, 5% for cold hands. Ob-gyn Basic service 20%. Add 5% for remembering whether or not you’ve been trying to get pregnant before they announce that you are. Add 10% six months later for showing up at least three minutes before baby emerges. Ambulance crew Driver 20%, provided they steer around major potholes. Medics 20%, or 30% if they distract you from the pain with witty conversation, jokes, or puppet shows. Surgeon Brain 50%, heart 40%, other organs 35%. Deduct 10% for each surgical instrument left inside after incision has been stitched. Urologist Basic service 30%, with 5% deduction for decades-old jokes about the procedure you’re about to undergo. Dermatologist Basic service 30%. Deduct 10% for repeatedly saying nothing but “Hmmmm” for 5 minutes while examining that weird growth on your nose. Cosmetic surgeon Basic service 30%. Add 5% for each individual procedure, like a mini brow lift or eyelid reduction. Deduct 15% if you wind up looking perpetually surprised or tight as a drum. Radiographer Basic service 20%. No tip if they forget you’re in the MRI scanner and go on their lunch break. Buying your first horse? When visiting a breeder, demonstrate your shrewd horse-trading skills with these questions.
1. How much are you asking for this horse? (Pick yourself up from the barn floor.) Seriously? (Catch your breath.) Do you take American Express? 2. Is this a boy horse or a girl horse? 3. What are those iron things on the bottom of its feet? Do they come in different colors? 4. Has the horse had any professional training? Acting lessons? Dancing lessons? 5. Does this horse have any bad habits like biting people, stepping on people, or kidnapping people? 6. Has the horse ever had hip replacement surgery or a facelift? 7. Why are you laughing at me? For billions of other absurd and pointless topics like this one, check out Smartass Answers to Dumbass Questions. Click here to see it in paperback and Kindle formats at Amazon. “Easter baskets? Kids these days don’t just get Easter candy. They get baskets full of toys, games, credit cards and whatnot.
“In my day we didn’t get any gol-dang Easter baskets. Sometimes the old man would hide a few eggs in the yard, if he wasn’t too hung over. Those weren’t colored eggs, either. They weren’t even hard-boiled! Try carrying a bunch of eggs when half of them are cracked open and running between your fingers. “Then my mom screamed at us to bring in what was left. She made an omelet that always had bits of eggshells in it or grass or even dog shit if you weren’t careful. “So don’t tell me about these fancy schmancy Easter baskets! Bah!! Humbug!!!” Hey there, Ms African Animal! When those photo-safari Jeeps pull up to your favorite watering hole, you’ll want to look your very best. Check out our spring fashion guidelines.
Giraffe Scarves visually shorten the awkwardness of an endless neck. Opt for solid-color wool or linens, draped in casual loops. Lion Your color season, Tawny, lends itself to mid-length velvet skirts and classic cashmere sweater sets, topped with a string of pearls. Hippo Vertical stripes and matching separates create an illusion of slenderness. Avoid chunky belts, tank tops and yoga pants. Spitting cobra Lucky you, slim and sinuous! Form-fitting athleisure wear complements your perfect figure. Avoid silk garments that tend to bunch up as you slither. |
CarsonmaniaBlogI hope you weren't expecting anything profound. If I ever need to plead insanity, this blog will provide valuable evidence.
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